People have been telling me to start a blog, or just do something to get “my story” out there for years now. So here it is I’m finally getting my act together!
I have been diagnosed with Lyme disease, other tick borne illnesses, and have had tons complications from all of it. But enough of my medical history and more about me. I absolutely hate being sick. I’m not someone who plays victim or does that because it’s so not me. If you know me at all you know that (well now you do). Before this I was actually not as private as I became maybe private isn’t the word I’m looking for, mmmm…. selective with my trust. When I’m around people now they become so uncomfortable with illness and make it this big thing and forget that I’m a person not an illness or a wheelchair. If I had the flu they would come over bring soup and get on with the conversation. They get uncomfortable which makes me super uncomfortable, and puts a big elephant in the room. So I stopped seeing a lot of my friends and family, because I didn’t want that energy, the awkward pity they act like they don’t have in the room and I just don’t have the energy anymore to be as social as I was, and go out as much.
Of course I still see my very close friends that have been here for me. And you really learn who they are at times like these and are often surprised. People I wasn’t as close to four years ago have become my best friends and some of my closest friends from before this are now strangers. I miss being social and going out and about to the movies, mall, and parties with friends like old times.
I have missed years of important events not just my own and feel completely robbed of my teenage years, I feel like a stranger going through the motions but can’t fathom that this became my life. This can’t be real I say at least 3 times a week to my brother when he comes into my room he always say to me “is this all a bad night mare?” Am I going to wake up sleeping at my desk at school tomorrow?
I can barely recognize myself some days. It feels like my body has been hijacked. So much is different. That’s why it’s so important to try to look better than you feel, it is so easy to let yourself go and fall into a rut and not care at all. Trust me I know. Make that effort as exhausting and hard as it is, its! You are worth it. I know because it has taken awhile for me to follow my own advice.
Although a lot in my life has changed, and I’m not able to do as much as I used to which is very hard for me to admit to myself and say out loud, it is not permanent. I know that and am eternally grateful. I know it’s a luxury not all people have. Being in so many hospitals really changes your perspective on life.
If you hang out with me and know me or anyone else that’s going through something you know at the core they are still them. Just with some scars (not all physical)! So don’t treat them like some damaged goods that you’re afraid to talk and be around. Because you may think that’s helping them but that’s the worst thing! Well at least for me and the people … my friends that I’ve met throughout these past few years of hell! No not my “amazing journey that I have embarked on” these past few years have been ups and downs and all around. Many different states, doctors, hundreds of blood tests, and painful cringe worthy tests (so many you couldn’t even put them on your fingers), waiting rooms, places and experiences I never imagined I would encounter or envision myself doing or going.
As my mom tells me on those really hard moments when I don’t think I’m going to get through this she says “you are strong and it’s happening so you just got to get through this day to get to the next one and hope for a better one!”. I have learned that better days don’t always come right away and it sucks waking up not having that magical pill work but it’s going to come you just have to believe.
God gives people what they can handle. I have come to believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe I was given this to help other people going through the same thing and spread awareness so it doesn’t happen to anyone else.
And no I’m not always so positive and optimistic but I do my best that’s why I surround myself with people who I know it sounds corny, but that pick me up when I’m down! That’s what good family and friends are for! I always say if I was on Real Housewives on Bravo my tagline and it’s basically my words to live by are: if you’re not there through it all, you shouldn’t be there at all! So there it goes my first blog post! Hope I can help some other people by opening up and being my authentic, unfiltered, raw self or just get to know and connect with others! I’m no professional advisor just trying to get through each day!
Tata for now!
Sending positive good healing vibes to all suffering! Hope tomorrow is a better day!
© Samantha Sloves 2019