A thought I’ve pondered with the past few days is; what if my soul went in another body, and went back in time and didn’t go through all I have been through? (When I say soul I mean soul, being, and personality).  Would it still be me? Or does going through this make me a better version of myself? ( PSA: I am NOT looking for you to feel sorry for me. No pity party here!! I am just explaining to my newbies “all I have been through” → Lyme disease, 3 other tick borne illnesses, → which lead to a wheelchair for 3 years…  multiple hospital stays, missing out on almost all of high school, etc. — but let’s move on from the sob story ok? Ok. )

What if going through this changes me so much that I’m not me anymore? It just happens naturally. Life takes over. But maybe not all of the changes were for the worse some of them were for the better?

What do you think? Are you shaking your head saying WTF is this girl talking about? Listen, I hear you. (Trust me: I am the first person to say “I hate that voodoo shit” My family will attest to this. I am as cynical as they come.) Or are you nodding and agreeing? I never thought or believed in this sort of stuff but now I do? Maybe? Do I? IDK. I am undecided. Am I making total sense? Any sense? No sense? Its okay I will explain my thoughts further.

I don’t know the answer, but who does? What I do know is that I am intrigued by it. I know that I am living every day to the fullest. And so should you! I know that I appreciate everything that I have. Big and small. I am blessed to be able to walk, talk, and breathe on my own. I am thankful to be typing this and sharing my thoughts with you today.

I am so appreciative for all that life has given me the chance to do. But, I am also angry. Incredibly angry about the not so good things in my life. The avoidable events, like illness. Simple things that could have been done to prevent me from becoming ill. Ill from ticks. If I had known about Lyme disease and ticks, would I have still gotten sick? There are all the what ifs when it comes to ticks and lyme disease and any illness. Where were they from? The lawn, camp, dogs, anywhere. What could I have done differently? Eaten differently, lived somewhere else, inhaled different chemicals, used different fertilizer. Weird things. Everyone who has had lyme disease understands that horrible dreaded question. Where was it from and what could I have done differently?

The point of all this is that I want a second chance! A new chance. A DO OVER. Is that possible or is it our job to make it attainable? If you change your name and dye your hair underneath all the BS you know that when push comes to shove YOU are still you.

Believe me, I do not want to be anyone other than me. I am proud to be myself and the person I have become today. I just wonder about this well STUFFFFFFF!!!! Do you? Regardless, thanks for listening!

Maybe I am just looking for something to blame? Something to blame for the shit in life?

I thought it would be an interesting thought to expand upon. Talk about. I am not the most religious person in the world, but I am spiritual. I do appreciate religion. I do not know if this is even possible. Do we come back? Can we? Is that our second chance? Or do we make our own second chances in this lifetime?

My soul in another body. Would it still be me, or does going through this make me? What if going through this changed who I am so much that I’m not the same anymore? I don’t want to change myself completely but it just happens? Just a thought. Anyone else relate? Feel the same?


Leave a Reply